fish on friday and human flesh every other day of the week! cunthulhu’s profile
30 year-old woman with an excess of dogs and a measly Intel 4000 HD gpu. i have over 400 games installed on my external hdd right now; this is ridiculous and something needs to change.
if i have a game marked beaten but the hours or cheevos don't really reflect that, it means i've either finished it on another platform or i played it offline so nothing got to sync. 2k16 and 2k17 were dark years for me. i didn't have reliable internet, and as a result some of my early hog cheevos look rigged. it's horrible, absolutely horrible.
updates are sporadic and are sometimes a spritzy and carefree digest, sometimes singular bitchfests. i'm more forgiving on funky mechanics than i am of lazy writing, so this is your page if you want to read about someone with actual editorial training screeching in rage over misused narrative devices and incoherent plots.
June 9th, 2k19
okay, finally finished some GAMEZ, hallelujah on rye.
we have to go…… deeper.
Inception was a good movie, and all the meaty interesting bits were brutally ripped out and presumably shot dead out back in an alley to make way for the plot of this game. only way i got through this was making the BWAAAAAAAH noise at every Shyamalan-like "tweest" and then cackling for a bit.
well, they tried.
two playthroughs to get all cheevos, and you have to finish each run totally to get them since they're dished out after the credits have rolled. and there's no save! yer gonna sit through almost 50 minutes of a few grad students trying to imitate David Lynch in game form and yer gonna do it now!
got some distinct "this is my portfolio so plz hire me" vibes from the whole affair. i mean, it's fine? but i didn't give a shit about any of it, and the only thing that piqued my interest was the tv-head cop thing near the end. that thing was sweeeeeet. and now that i'm thinking about it, was that ripped from SAGA?? oh my gawd! it totally was! they put the Prince Robot dude in this game!! what the hell?!
address all complaints to the Monsanto Corporation
malevolent chipmunk being a creepy child snatcher, how glorious. apparently this is supposed to be a psychological horror game, but for me it was just about chilling in the nice environments and spamming the RMB to see if the MC finally calls her child an entitled little bastard for pulling this inciting event shit. hurrah for walking simulators! hurrah for swan boats that look you in the eye all disapproving-like! hurrah for an overused trope about parental neglect! hurrah, hurrah!!
the best developed character in this game was the fucking pig.
i have to go replay a couple chapters to get the cheevos i missed before i can uninstall and that is probably the worst part about this. it's a nondescript telltale game with a forgettable plot and nothing really tangible to the gameplay. the dialogue was supposed to be funny? but it was just annoying. giving this a neutral rating because i'm sure someone out there would find this game a compelling gem, but that person is just not me.
also, i'm kinda peeved that the DLC is off the store now cos this game will never be a 100% for me because of the way they structured it. i didn't actually care if i played the final chapters present in the add-on, only for the stats, but booooooooo for removing them from the store. probably will crop up on the Windows Store in the future, which i refuse to open on my computer because it keeps trying to brute force an install of Candy Crush. Fffff.
i have five puppies to deal with so there’s some inattentive gaming going on while i keep track of the furballs, hence the walking simulators and other titles that don’t require much in the way of thinking. going for anything that has been sitting on my external for a while because i am at 512 installed games right now and some of them need to be uninstalled!! five hundred and fucking twelve! this is a disaster!!
next post will probably include:
May 23rd, 2k19
oh hey i crapped out on games for a long while! i also fell into a pit of PLAYOFF HOCKEY which means when i would have been playing, i was watching my two teams bumble their way from last seeds in the Western Conference to both being kicked from the second round in their respective game sevens. no pony in the race that is the current Stanley Cup match-up now, but i v much dislike the Blues’ goalie cos he’s a racist and i also dislike the Bruins cos… they’re the Bruins, so. guess no more hockey for me until October!
have not finished any games since last update other than HOGs that technically belong to my mother but i finished through shared library. those do not count, so here are the games i’ve been putting time into and hopefully will finish before i expire and my body crumbles into dust!
Anima Gate of Memories
Sid Meier's Civilization: Beyond Earth
Broken Sword 1 - Shadow of the Templars: Director's Cut
Cards of Cthulhu
Sid Meier's Civilization V
Diaries of a Spaceport Janitor
Final Fantasy VII
Minecraft: Story Mode - A Telltale Games Series
Resident Evil 5
Saints Row: The Third
The Spiral Scouts
The Typing of The Dead: Overkill
The Witcher: Enhanced Edition
(eyes roll into black; black tar dribbles from corner of mouth) SO M A N Y
most of these i’m just piling time into for lack of anything better to do, but:
Anima Gate of Memories is a Playing Appreciated win! i was doing so well, but now i’m at a section full of moving platforms and i just. i suck so hard at those! gonna keep trying until my thirty days run out and hope that’s enough, might get lucky and get past that section but not hopeful. died like thirty times in a row before i ragequit the first time trying, have gone at the same section twice since with same results. aahahahahahahaha i am not good at platformers, have i mentioned this before???
Minecraft Story Mode is technically finished but they took the DLC with additional episodes off the store so it’s sitting on my hard drive in limbo. do i leave it installed in the hopes that it goes back on the store (and eventually on sale enough) so i can buy it and 100% the game? or do i uninstall it and free up the hard drive space? CONUNDRUMS!
The Witcher pisses me off on so many levels i don’t know if i’ll ever finish it. might cut my losses, might cause myself great pain and strife by persisting. idk yet, it’s up in the air at the mo.
and finally, Saints Row The Third is like comfort food so i’m using it as such. my boss has a Genki Head for everything, and even tho i’m trying out the Troy Baker voice this go round, is wearing a go-go stripper outfit as he conducts his illicit businesses. snazzy!
it’s March 22nd: A New Hope
i got my unlimited data back on the 17th!!!! i can once again watch hockey highlights on youtube and load the damn gig economy sites i’m signed up for to try and find some work. it’s a gorram christmas miracle, is what it is.
as an added bonus, i can download more games to play. doing Enderal: Forgotten Skies right now cos so many people on my steam friendslist are posting screenshots of it and i am intrigued. otherwise it’s just games i’ve gotten in bundles or won on SG that need installing, like Dream Daddy and Deadlight.
is this gonna end with over 500 games installed? probably! it just keeps gettin’ worse, folks.
space travel solved by junk thievery and the rigorous handling of flutes
got a quarter of the way through before i realised i was just not having fun at all. had to force myself over a years' time before i could finish it in total because it was just so junkyard bland and borrowed so much from Le Petit Prince that you might as well just read the OG text and move on with your life. pretty art and good music, though?
what's happenin', dollface?
second run complete. one achievement i'm missing is bugged and the other i fucked up getting cos i thought since i already had the cheevos from before that they counted but NO, NO THEY DO NOT, so i don't get the Boss thing. just want to say that i hate hate HATE the cheevos where you have to "play for X hours straight" or "complete the game in one sitting" cos i'm a perpetual 20-minute-session person; just to get them i have to basically leave the game running for an entire day even tho i'm hardly playing it. UGH.
aaaanyway it's a decent HOG i guess. the mouse sensitivity could use some work cos sometimes i had to click upwards of three times to get it to register during hidden object scenes. i legit have no idea why people were so excited when the second one was released; multiple people on my f-list on steam were all a-quiver with excitement and i was just.. it's not a bad game, but it's not worth the hype they were exhibiting either?
anyway despite the lack of a 100% i'm just gonna uninstall it. in a couple years i can give it another go if i'm really hard up for another perfect game to my count, but playing it a third time isn't my idea of a fun time, and games! are supposed to be! fun!!!
these guys should've been dead and drowned SO MANY TIMES by now!!!
interactive picture book that forces you to replay a million times to get all the achievements. would've had more impact if they had strung all the incidents together into a coherent story and let you play that, but nooooo, anything to sidestep the Odyssey comparisons i guess. artwork is hella bright because everything is so minimalist white and can be irritating at times, don't play when you're borderline headache cos it will tip you over.
the story is that you are crawling about in a dungeon and… snapping tetriminos in place by torchlight? what???
i had this game mostly finished over a year ago but when my old computer fried this was one of the games where the progress was lost despite the game files being on an external hdd and cloud saves being turned on. so it took me a while to muster up the enthusiasm to redo everything before i could progress to the end.
it's a fairly simple game-- these sorts of puzzles appear a lot in HOGs, which is why i bought it in the first place. you get a preset field with obstacles, and it's up to you to arrange the given tiles around them to fill the entire thing. super basic, nothing fancy. do each level under a certain amount of moves (different for each level) and you get three gold stars and a cheevo. don't do it under the prerequisite moves and you'll still be able to progress to the next level but sans the cheevo, so what's the point, really?
it's super cheap when on sale, and an easy 100% if you're into that.
well that was… quick.
whew, lawks. i don't know if the first game was just more difficult or if the tramadol i was on when i played this just made me some kind of PUZZLE MASTERMIND but holy crap that went by fast.
same type of dealio as the first game, nothing new to report except how bleeding fast it went.
still working on Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition and Binary Domain for the march is play a game you won on SG month challenge. supposed to work on Xanadu Next too but i just can’t seem to get into it, and will probably stop trying since there’s only a bit over a week left in the month now.
i think it’s due to how dark it is– lots of migraines this month that the tramadol is doing jack-all for so when i tense up from not being able to see anything in a game i just make the pain worse and have to quit before i can really get going. i’ll try the game again when i’m not so perpetually hurty, lol.
beware the ides of phat beatsies on March 15th 2k19
this one has been on my wishlist for YEARS so was super pleased when it showed up in the Humble Monthly. it did not disappoint-- there's commentary on the socioeconomics of subpar waste management, a persistent theme of loss (of direction), and a genetically engineered sloth who vomits candy when he gets upset. the puzzles are straight forward, the writing is tight and witty. definitely worth your time if you like point-and-clicks!
eh, it's a HOG. the real effort is in getting the mistletoe collectables that are, outside of the usual places, also inside the hidden object scenes themselves. total madlads made this game i tell you, the madness here is palpable. but otherwise it's the usual blah blah save the world blah blah something wildly mystical happens blah blah blah.
one nice bit is that you wander into a bar on your own, poke around like the malignant creep you are, and then the barkeep appears to yell at you for breaking in! this is so rare, i just had to share it!!
traded for this one cos solitaire is totally my jam. decent layouts for the cards, 100 levels in 10 "chapters" to play through, and the artwork is cute enough to make it stand out. buggy as fuck though, if you're gonna play then you need exit the game every few hands and then go back in or else the cards will fly away and never come back. it was weird. not frustrating weird, just "huh" weird.
finally did a second run with a guide loaded to get all the achievements i missed on my first time through. this is a SG win that i was really surprised by-- generally games that put so much effort into having art done to look like Don Bluth fall short on actual gameplay, but not this one! it's a rather short game all told, but well worth your time. cute story, well actualized characters, and the doggo is absolutely awesome.
my new controller got here on the 8th! i am back to grinding in Final Fantasy VII for materia levels and racing my gold chocobo for prizes. at some point i will go fight Ultimate Weapon and proceed with the storyline but eh, not right now.
also finished Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2 this month. pausing in the series for a little bit before I start the third game because i signed up for the play a game you won on SG challenge for March, and that puts Binary Domain (which crashes at every cutscene, lol, but is otherwise v fun!), Xanadu Next, and Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition at the top of my priority list.
ramblin’ on in on Feb 26th 2k19
FIRST i was really into Final Fantasy VII with the chocobo breeding and finally getting Knights of Round materia again, but ahahahaha my dog Methuselah has a thing for eating stuff i put my hands all over so you can kind of guess what happened to my controller. i don’t like playing JRPGs without a controller cos otherwise my fingers cramp, so that game is on hold until i can order a new one in a couple weeks.
NOW i’m back into my current playthrough of Mass Effect. i say current because all my old saves were apparently kept locally back on the computer that fried up like a shamed goose egg in a chef’s pocket, so now i gotta do everything all over again if i wanna smooch Garrus! oh no! (lol not really, i’m okay with replaying because the anticipation is part of the fun when it comes to Garrus. no i am not joking.)
ANYWAY here’s just a list of the random little games i’ve finished since my last update. trying out the generator’s function of keeping the reviews out of sight until you click on the More button because it just looks swankier that way, but also i am very lazy right now so all the reviews are total nonstarters and filled with an excess of exclamation points. oh well, what the hell.
i think the reason all the dudes in this game are cranky is cos of the high-collars on their shirts.
oh boy. it's a perfectly fine hog but if you want to 100% it be VERY CAREFUL in looking for the notes you gotta collect cos they mesh so well into the backgrounds that i had to restart the game four! fucking! times! before i finally got a playthrough where i got them all. so instead of going "ooh this was an entertaining HOG!" i was just relieved it was all over.
i mean. okay, you can only explode a demon pig to get a fancy door lock so many times before the shine wears off.
dumbass sudoku ripoff that can combine with all the other sudoku ripoffs to form a crappy voltron ripoff!!
game gave me a headache for some reason and i have no idea why. was it the colours? was it the music that you could turn off a million times but would switch back on whenever it felt like it? was it just my crabbiness in general? WHO KNOWS. but for the larger puzzles i just consulted a guide to get started on one line and the rest filled in easy after that. i'm just glad it's off my hard drive now, man. so, so glad.
idk. for a puzzle game it was dull, crowded, and irritated me for no good reason. i'll admit that i might've just been in a mood when i played it, though, so take this scree with a grain of salt.
all this game needed was some bongo drums and finger snaps and we'd have the perfect "deep" hipster dive
hollllyyyyy crap this game was such a waste. prolonged monologues about melancholy and hidden meanings and old writers living on islands! stock characters with bad voice work mumbling through their lines! inexplicable infodump after infodump after infodump!!!!!!
i will give this game ONE good point and that point is the first creepy thing the conductor does at the end of chapter one. won't spoil it cos it's better if it's a surprise, but i legit snorted a laugh so hard i hurt myself when it happened. and then they did a send-up to that event at the absolute end of the third chapter that made me laugh again. BUT THE REST OF IT WAS SHIT AND I WISH I NEVER PLAYED IT.
this is the greatest mashup of stuff in the history of ever
i loved this game. still have to go back with a guide to get a few cheevos i missed, but i will! not! mind! because this game is such a goddamn delight that returning to this universe will be a pleasure. A. PLEASURE. and they're making a second one! it will be out in 2020! this is the greatest news since Rome burned!!!
sooooo uh NEXT is uh more Mass Effect followed by Mass Effect 2 and then finished off with Mass Effect 3 on Origin, but games i can actually remove entirely from my Steam backlog will be random and interspersed with whining. yay for whining! wait no.
ahoy on Feb 19th 2k19, i be looking for a white whale, except it be a zombie whale too!
theme song: I’m On A Boat, I’m On A Motherfucking Boat
oh my gaaaaawd i have been trying to play this dumb game for years and only now have managed to foce myself to finish it. it’s not like it’s a bad game, because it’s not, i just have this all-abiding deep hatred of Robert Kirkman and have a really hard time stumbling through anything he’s slid his slimy fingers all over.
(do not ask me why i hate the Walking Dead comics so much, your ears will bleed by the time i stop screeching.)
so, as neutrally as i can be: story that doesn’t overstay its welcome, Michonne is a Good Badass, and yes like all entries in the Walking Dead franchise they artificially hype up characters then kill them all in the name of manipulating emotions without putting the work in. with that last point especially it’s business as usual and a very good imitation of Kirkman’s lazy writing that I ljkasdflksdjflksdjfljsdfjskdjljf STOPPING NOW STOP STOP STOP.
i still have Season Two of Telltale’s TWD to get through at some point. i am going to bellow throughout the entire thing.
it’s cultural appropriation monday, feb 18th 2k19!
four hours of playtime and still no idea why the baddie wears a bearhead
W H Y is it in these games the first option is to pick the lock instead of fucking knocking on the door??? this is compulsory B&E and yet no one comments on it!!!!!!!!!!
aaaanyway this is an okay point-and-click. the story features the usual spooky ooky indigenous people of the Americas that white people gobble up with a spoon so i was annoyed, though you might not be. the puzzles aren’t anything to write home about so play this when you’re tired and in the mood for pablum. just remember to click on everything because nothing is clearly marked so spamming the mouse is your only recourse.
twofer Tues– i mean, winsome Wednesday of 13th Feb 2k19!
my word, mr. chattersworth, what will the gossips at the ton think?!
solitaire game just like any other, except it’s got a plot ripped from one of the more traditional Georgette Heyer books sliding through via placecards. i swear to god i’ve read a book that had the same plot but damn if i can remember who wrote it or what it was called.
the game has good mechanics, my first and only run-through was on hard difficulty and took approx 9 hours without it getting tedious. a protip tho: if you play the game first on hard, in order to get the “win game on normal” achievement to pop all you need to do is switch the difficulty down and then play the final chapter again. i don’t know if the reverse is true but that’s the method i used without going through the entire game again for one measly cheevo.
something something floating roombas with arms who apparently procreate something something
a very nice puzzle game that i am glad i got to play. didn’t absolutely have to look up solutions until i hit level 98, though i was sorely tempted at level 96 cos holy crap that one was hard. this is the kind of game where there’s a set number of different ways you can approach the issue, and so long as you keep varying what you do you’ll stumble upon the solution eventually.
OKAY, SO: i’ve been going back and forth first from the hospital where my mother was held and now to an in-patient rehab center while they try to get her recovered from a shitstorm of a kidney infection. doesn’t leave a lot of time for gaming, though i have finally begun my replay of Final Fantasy VII on her cheapass 1gb RAM netbook to keep myself entertained while she sleeps off the drugs. i am almost back to the point in the game where on my last playthrough i realised i had missed the Ramuh materia and thus would not get an achievement, so hey, progress.
when at home– and not sleeping off nursing home crud, oh my god my immune system is taking a pummeling at that place someone please save me– i’m working on The Turing Test (will probably finish the story parts of that one next, so look out), Infinifactory (wow this game is hard! my brain is leaking from my ears! why do i do this to myself!), and Grim Dawn (not really enjoying it and don’t know why yet, since it has all the elements that i normally like????).
i’m also trying to force myself to finish The Walking Dead: Michonne but it’s so hard to load up the game when i would literally be doing anything other than giving time and attention to another Robert Kirkman enterprise. blech. i’ll get there eventually, but expect the summarized write-up to be a lot of screeching in pain.
the unbearable lightness of being February 4th 2k19
i’m sorry Dave but i can’t let you do that— oh no wait now i can
the first two Oik’s were pretty okay, but the mechanics of the game have shifted to this huge emphasis on timing that really isn’t fun for me. i like to know if i have the right sequence down the first time i figure it out, not be required to do the same set of motions over and over until the engine (i guess???) decides that this time it’ll actually work.
i legit enjoy the Zup and qop games that are made by the same dev, but this Oik series is being put onto my “do not buy” list from here on out.
that darn slappy!!!!!
hmmm, well. it’s a solid point-and-click with a helluva lot of ways to die and get to the endgame. it’s also… sort of obscure, i guess, in some solutions. i got something like half way through before i had to consult a guide, and when i saw how much i’d missed i just started over entirely.
this is a game marketed for the nostalgia market of the books and doesn’t really have much appeal for anyone who dgaf or plain-ass didn’t know the series existed. i went through a few years during primary school of adoring this series so i’m favorable towards the game despite its flaws, but you might not. this is a tentative recommended from me, because any enjoyment you might get from it is entirely subjective and i can’t predict it.
the lunar sale started today so OF COURSE my backlog has grown. not by, like, a hideous amount, but– but yeah. moar gamez!!!! flip over table, private dance it on out of here.
uhhhhhhhhhhhh also i’m playing Rune Classic for admittance to the Playing Appreciated group and so far it’s just a mess. so many vivid blue and green dots showing through the models so you know where all the joints are! so many crashes to desktop!! i keep hitting the mushrooms with my sword but they don’t die, what is this!!!?!!!
The Wind-Up Chronicle of Feb 2nd 2k19
hard-boiled boring and the end of this blah game
okay gonna be straight up real here: Murakami’s style and story do not translate well to interactive media. i don’t know if it would survive the shift to a visual medium like film or television, but it sure as shit doesn’t work here– in a point-and-click game, full of incomprehensible puzzles and a lot of meandering language, all of which reads as flowery for the sake of it rather than carrying any philosophical meaning like in the actual works of Murakami.
i didn’t expect much from this game but i at least expected coherence. that… was not delivered. in order to progress i had to alt-tab from game to guide-in-browser the entire way through because as soon as i tried to go it alone i got stuck. there is literally one straight-forward item to obstacle piece in this game and it was in the last quarter of the story. i felt a sincere burst of joy as i applied my shovel to that pile of mud, but then realized that the guide was indicating i was near the end of the game itself, so then i became sullen and resentful again. not really a fun rollercoaster to be on when you’re supposed to be having fun with a game, yanno?
and again, gonna be real: my rating on that bar of five out of ten would be a lot lower except: it’s Murakami. or someone trying to be Murakami, anyway. they tried. they failed. i would love to see a success story with this kind of surrealism, but in order for that to happen whichever dev who is attempting this needs to realize that progression of the game does not hinge on how wild and out there you can get, it hinges on followable logic.
Memoranda has no followable logic. get it for the +1 or the guided 100%, but don’t get it to actually play and enjoy.